7:50 a.m. - 2014-05-09
"NOAH" 2014
Hollywood has taken note that traditional Christians have money to spend and would love to go to the movies if only there were something for them to watch. So lately we've had a biography of Christ, a story about a boy who "died," saw his sister in Heaven, and then came back to tell everyone. Tyler Perry has been doing well in this market for some time, so the rest of Hollywood can be forgiven if they look like they're playing catchup.

Now we have "Noah," which will probably disappoint the church lobby as much as it did me.

Noah features several well-known and talented actors looking sad for a little over two hours (though it seemed longer than 40 days and 40 nights). Jennifer Connelly, Russell Crowe and Emma Watson, all looking like lifelong victims of bullying, are joined by Ray Winstone, who I guess is supposed to epitomize the philosophy that man is superior to and apart from Nature. The first time we see him, he brains one of his own henchmen with something that looks like a pointy sledgehammer. Do not mention Global Warming to this guy, I warn you. When he stows away on the Ark, he helps himself to several servings of endangered species, demonstrating his faith in the ascendancy of Mankind.

The opposite view is held by Crowe's Noah, who thinks he has been told to build the Ark, save the animals, and then let humans die out for lack of fertile women. Another example of an omnipotent God who has trouble making his instructions clear, I suppose. Don't worry, though, because this dramatic conflict ends when Noah realizes how cutesy newborn babies can be.

This movie gives a lot of evidence to support the Dalek view of "Exterminate!" and Noah's confusion is understandable. If the Old Testament had been a collaborative effort between the Brothers Grimm and Edvard Munch, it might have turned out like "Noah." We see a grim, dirty, super-Hobbesian world that would have made the Donner Party seem like, well, a party. Some movies are dark in a noirish way, some are dark in an art house way, but this one was dark as mud. Even the music was depressing.

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