8:21 p.m. - 2004-03-28
Video Bandit
I have lunch with my friend Ashley, who works at a video rental. She tells me about this guy who is like hopelessly in debt because of late fees and videos he never returne. So I guess people can go into debt over anything. Maybe Sixty Minutes will do a story on the Video Financial Trap: "Throughout America, millions of people every day must choose between renting videos or buying food for their families."

I'm walking her back to her work when she slaps my arm and says "That's the guy. Over there--the video bandit!"

It's this chubby white guy wearing a leather kangol cap. Looking to get his ass kicked. I point at him and yell, "Yo! Yo! Freeze it right there, Homes!"

He starts running, and I go after him, yelling, "Buckwheats, motherfucker!"

I'm one of the fastest runners in my part of the state. If I wanted to I could probably beat Marian Jones in a race and be smoking a cigarette at the same time. So I catch up to him like one of those Jurassic Park raptors and grab his kangol cap, which will look good on me after I study if for lice under Ethan's old microscope. The video bandit keeps on running. What if he was on "Cops?" What if they filmed his capture and then it would be on video but he couldn't rent it, not at the same store anyway.

I run laughing back to Ashley, but she seems a little embarrassed by the whole thing.

This wanted felon, this video bandit, he also has male pattern baldness and probably high cholesterol and now has lost his hat. My life is way better than his.

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