7:30 a.m. - 2009-02-10
VERY EX
Yesterday morning at 00:30 I got a text message from Alan, a very ex boyfriend whom I cut loose a couple of years ago. Keep in mind that I have to get up for my job at 6:00 am, so maybe I should blame myself for even having my phone on. But anyway, the text read, "Wanted to be the first to wish you Happy Birthday. Let's celebrate with some great birthday sex."
Three problems. 1. Alan is my ex, not my current boyfriend. 2. We didn't have great sex when we were dating. And 3. It wasn't my birthday. My birthday is in April. So apparently Alan got me mixed up with some other ex-girlfriend.
I was going to call Alan back and explain to him that he was stupid, but that's sort of a lost cause. He did so many stupid things when we were dating that their sheer cumulative effect wore me down and led me inexorably to the breakup decision.
One example was Alan's Lethal Disease. For a couple of weeks during the winter he was moping around, convinced that he was dying because he had headaches all the time and felt so listless. He kept cornering people and reciting his symptoms and asking them what they thought. Finally I told him to get his dying ass to the doctor. That's when Alan found out that he had been giving himself carbon monoxide poisoning because he sat in his truck every morning in the garage with the door close and the motor running because he wanted to wait for the windows to defrost. Then he was dumb enough to email everybody with the good news that he wasn't dying after all, though in a Darwinian sense he should have been, definitely.

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